


Find A Person With The Same Phobias As You

by Sylcia



Category: Gintama
Genre: Crack, Episode Related, Humor, M/M, Other, Public Masturbation, Sex Toys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-03-01 00:15:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18789160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sylcia/pseuds/Sylcia
Summary: After a horrifying procedure at the dentist, Gintoki and Hijikata go to a hospital to get their crotch robots repaired. The question is - what the hell are they gonna do with them now?!The aftermath of Gintama episode 175 - "People Of All Ages Hate The Dentist!"





	Find A Person With The Same Phobias As You

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: This is based on episode 175.  
> Gintoki and Hijikata went to a mad dentist and instead of having their cavities treated, they ended up having their bodies surgically altered to provide them with a massage and a salad after the treatment. All the pain during the procedure was transferred to robots attached to their crotches, who appeared to them as two older women. When they saw their suffering, they tried to ignore it but eventually the guilt drove them to a hospital, where they tearfully asked the nurse to repair them.
> 
> aka 'my first fanfic ever written will also be the weirdest one'

 

"Gentlemen, are you absolutely sure you don't want these robots removed? The procedure is free and..."

Gintoki dropped to his knees. "No, doctor! I just want Betty to be happy! Help her, pleeeaaaase!"

"This old lady deserves to live through her golden years in peace and good health. You can't euthanize people just because they're old." Hijikata reasoned, taking the moral high ground.

"Alright... We'll see what we can do."

 

* * *

   
"...and we've added some new functionalities for your convienience. Please use this manual or push the help button on your robot if you have any trouble."

The nurse's monologue flowed like rivers through Gintoki's and Hijikata's ears while they were slowly recovering from anesthesia and hardly registering the outside world. They stared at each other in silence, proud like two mothers who just gave birth to quintuplets. The robots, neurologically connected to their crotches, appeared to them as smiling and grateful, and it was all that mattered.

 

* * *

   
Hours later they were standing outside the hospital.

"PLEASURE FORTRESS BETTY, AT YOUR SERVICE"

"Well, where do you want to go, Betty-chan? How about the park?", Gintoki inquired. "Baa-san, would you like to go to the park? It's good for your lungs", Hijikata echoed after him.

"Hey, I'm going to the park, go somewhere else!"

"Fuck off, it's a public space!"

"It's for humans, not dogs like you!"

Hijikata launched himself to throw a punch, only to stop immediately after realizing he almost would've crashed his robot-granny. He couldn't endanger her now, after all the pain she endured for him and the trouble he went through to save her. Gintoki looked at him questioningly for a second, but then just turned on his heel and started walking towards his destination. "Let's just go, Mayora."

 

* * *

   
Even though the park was quite empty, Gintoki still picked a secluded bench surrounded by trees. The kind of bench naughty teenagers would choose if they wanted to make out in secret. "Ah, this is the perfect spot. Noone to bother us except some mayo-loving freak. Just perfect", Gintoki hummed to himself as he settled comfortably. _What the hell is this bastard up to? This is getting creepy..._ Hijikata hesitated but decided to sit down. If that perm-head tries anything stupid or illegal, the cop's duty is to stop him, right?

"Now, where do we start the pleasure function..."

"What are you doing, Yorozuya?!"

"Well, if your brain wasn't clogged by mayo, then you would already know. I chose Option Z, remember? Get my teeth done + a massage. Now we've fixed our robots, so I'm getting my massage."

This was all logical. Hijikata relaxed a little, only to go into shock a moment later when Gintoki pushed a random button on his robot. It started... buzzing? But the robot stood still, not touching any parts of Gintoki's body. The confusion on the Vice-Commander's face was deepening with each passing moment. "Errr... so is it working already?" he finally spluttered.

"Yes..." Gintoki gasped. "Now shut up... aah"

The Pleasure Fortress worked quite effectively. She was attached to Gin-chan's dick in a way that allowed her to massage and suck at external tissues and send tiny electric currents to deep tissues at the same time. The whole experience was so intense, it almost paralyzed him. It didn't take long for him to achieve the strongest orgasm in his life. And also utter the longest and lewdest moan Hijikata has ever heard. Speaking of which...

The Vice-Commander was so stunned, he couldn't decide whether he should arrest this guy for public indecency or just run the fuck away from here. Instead, he just sat there, mouth agape, until he was able to formulate one coherent sentence:

"Did you just... did you just fucking come?"

Gintoki regained his composure fairly quickly and reassessed the situation. Yes, he just fucking came. Yes, this robot is totally a sex toy. And yes, he just found a new amazing way to tease and torture the Shinsengumi's biggest prude.

"Well, of course. Jealous, Hijikata-kun? Why don't you try out your salad bar?"

"It's not... It's not salad bar, it's Salad-Baa! And keep your hands away..!"

But it was already too late. Gintoki leaned in and pressed a button on Toshi's robot.

 

* * *

  
"See? It wasn't that bad. They even added your favourite dog-food. Now, relax and eat."

Hijikata's dismay slowly faded in favor of relief. It really seemed like his robot wasn't going to do any weird things with his genitals. Just a salad. With the right amount of mayonnaise. He gulped down a lump in his throat and opened his mouth for something more enjoyable. Oh, now he could lose himself in the kingdom of the most glorious condiment...

As much as Gin regretted that the salad bar wasn't packed with more exciting features, he still watched Toshi with no small amount of amusement. How could anyone look so delighted while swallowing some sour, white substance?...

Yeah. Right. Now he was imagining it was something else than mayo. And it only made him more serious about his evil plan.

"Alright, time's up, you had your fun. Now it's my turn again", he said as he pushed another button. The machine started moving inside, pumping at his cock at a slower pace than the last time. He moaned a little and Hijikata took the bait.

"Oi, what the hell, Yorozuya! Stop it right now or I'll arrest you... you obscene freak!"

Being completely ignored, he moved closer on the bench to find an off switch and put an end to this madness. That's when the silver perm attacked. "Why don't you help me a little instead, officer?" he whispered seductively and pulled Hijikata by his cravat.

Their lips touched, and soon enough Gintoki's skilled tongue melted away all the barriers that Hijikata had carefully built throughout the years. The sweet taste made him forget about the outside world, the past and the future, the misery and pain. All the questions had to wait, because in this moment he discovered that he really craved this intimacy and he needed to hold on to it.

While Toshirou got completely lost in his revelations, Gintoki's breath quickened and he could feel his climax building up. He came, not breaking the kiss for another few moments. It sent shivers through the other man's spine. When he pulled off, they were both a panting mess.

"Now that you've helped me commit this crime..." - Gintoki still strived to catch his breath - "you can arrest me all you want."

"WARNING. ERECTION DETECTED. EMERGENCY PROTOCOL ACTIVATED", the machine on Hijikata's crotch announced way too loudly and proceded to detach herself from his body. She launched off and landed on the grass a few meters from them. But the most  
disturbing was the fact, that Hijikata didn't even care anymore.

"...and I guess you will also have to arrest yourself for public display of nudity"

 

* * *

  
Hijikata checked his pants - there were no extra holes in his uniform, he just had to tuck his penis back in and zip it up. Safe and easy... albeit a bit uncomfortable in his current state.

"Oi, you gonna say something?"

"Yeah. Stop abusing this thing in public and go to a fucking hotel. I have to get rid of this mess."

Hijikata stood up but Gintoki grabbed his wrist. "Wait. Help me detach my robot and come with me. Please?" What? Is he actually giving up his Pleasure Fortress for the mayo-eater? And begging for it? Was that really the plan? "I can help with the tightness in your pants, too. Come, I know a place."

The Demonic Vice-Chief jerked his wrist away.

He reached out his other hand.

"Then shut up and lead the way."

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please have mercy on me for committing this atrocity :D


End file.
